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On My Sexual Past

FOREWARNING – This post is a little more sexual in nature than my other posts. If you’re uncomfortable with that, please find something else to read.

I’ve had some rough relationships in my past. Most of them are emotionally scarring, fortunately never physically. And it’s usually my fault. They were never abusive, no. The problem was that I was ‘settling.’ I would find a guy who was attracted to me, find him charming (or at the least mildly entertaining) and latch on. If I happened to find myself falling out of ‘love’ with them, I’d just hang around and deal until I couldn’t stand it anymore. I know that’s not the best way, but I’m not good with breaking up. The way I usually deal with my most strongest of emotions is to bottle them up and put them to the side while I deal with life. The one time I let my emotions stay out and play, they got a little roughed up.

I met him before I left my ex fiance – we actually worked together at the video game store until I got a new job. We began dating shortly after I left my fiance, it was probably a bad idea. He was younger than me, under legal drinking age, and it was frustrating to find things for us to do because I enjoyed the bar scenes (what few we have here) but he wouldn’t be able to join me. He was the only one who had (yet) been able to make my chest burst into a blush at the apex of our love-making. The only one who had (yet) made me actually want it, to keep going after the first climax, to lay for a few moments to gather the strength to do it all over again. He was also the only one (yet) that I had said “I love you” to and really thought I meant it. Funny side note – we actually forced the hinges of my futon frame out of their proper shape in our heated escapades. I learned through MySpace and deductive reasoning that he’d been cheating on me since February. It was April/May 2005, shortly before my little brother’s highschool graduation and my trying a long-distance relationship with an older man, before dating my most current ex.

To have poured that much emotion into a relationship for me was originally unheard of. I’d never fully dived into a relationship as passionately as I had with him. To have it all blown out of the water as devastatingly as it had then was disastrous to my emotional state. I locked up my deepest of emotions in a very small box and it’s been buried deeply for a long time.

My recent ex and I had been dating for nearly two years, and I have had mostly unsatisfactory physical relations with him. I say mostly because while he could sometimes produce the desired physical reactions from me, the emotional reactions were mainly nonexistent.

I keep waiting for someone to come along and make me feel like I used to. To dig up that box and release all those locked emotions to the sun again. I’ve tried to become more cautious though, and can’t bear the thought of becoming even more hurt than I already am. It’s not always worked, and I’ve set myself up for let downs in the last few months, but at least I’m still willing to pick myself up and try again.

I’ll end this entry by saying I’m not looking for pity. I don’t believe I need help – writing this out, for me, is helping enough. I just needed to get this out and off my chest. I would like to be able to heal this life-wound as best I can and move along. I think I will soon.


Comments on: "On My Sexual Past" (5)

  1. You have my admiration. You have courage and optimism in good measure. With that kind of character I’m sure you will find what you are looking for.

  2. as awful as these things have been i see them as also having made you stronger. Hopefully also they’ve helped you know what you want and deserve and won;t settle for less than. I know there’s a man out there who deserves you and will treat you like the precious jewel that you are and will be your best friend and most powerful lover long after the the initial sparks of infatuation fade.

  3. I wholeheartedly concur with Mae.

    Definitely never settle. Life’s too short.

  4. That was a brave post. I hope it was a catharsis for you!

  5. Found you via GRD and the Vicar’s Twitter feed. (And if you’re on the forums, we may have crossed paths there).

    An amazingly honest, unflinching first post to find on your site. Thank you for sharing it.

    It reminded me of some of the ways I’ve treated women. I can get really passive aggressive when it comes time to break-up so I won’t feel like the “bad guy.”

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