I'm watching you. Yes, you.

Archive for March 24, 2010


I’ve never been good about being patient, and if it’s obvious anywhere, it is most obvious in my attempts to control my weight. I’ve joined gyms, I’ve taken classes, I buy DVDs, equipment, games, bikes, shoes, diet pills, supplements, powders, books, magazines. No, not magazines. But I have read article after article online and in other magazines I’ve subscribed to.

Patience is not my virtue.

If I can’t see or feel results, even after a few days, I get frustrated. I turn back to junk and comfort foods, which I’m beginning to realize is a serious, serious crutch for me. I can’t even understand how it became as such. I didn’t think I was like that; no one ever looked at me and thought I was using food like others use drugs or alcohol… At least, no one’s ever said that out loud. I snack almost uncontrollably. If I can see it, and I like it, I’ll eat it until it’s gone. I get cranky if I have oatmeal every morning for two or three days, and then trundle myself to BK for a breakfast biscuit & hashtots.

I realize I’m hurting myself.

It might be I’m going half a step forward and two or three steps back. I eat poorly. I misuse diet shakes. I don’t stick to anything very long before I give up.

It probably sounds like I’m some overweight cow, wallowing in self-pity, but in reality I don’t appear all that overweight. They call that visceral fat, and aside from subcutaneous fat, it’s extremely hard to get rid of. I’m trying not to be self-pitying, rather, I’m quite angry at myself. Anger is a better motivator for me anyway. Just ask anyone who’s helped me move or pack/unpack anything.

I’m considering another diet plan, but I don’t want to talk about it here right now.

I’m angry that I’ve come this far to this, I’m frustrated that I can’t get results I want, and I’m upset that I may have to restrict myself so much that if I get frustrated at my lack of results I’ll break my plan and hit the junk food so hard I’ll put myself back into that up-and-down spiral I’m peering over the edge of right now.