I’ve never been good about being patient, and if it’s obvious anywhere, it is most obvious in my attempts to control my weight. I’ve joined gyms, I’ve taken classes, I buy DVDs, equipment, games, bikes, shoes, diet pills, supplements, powders, books, magazines. No, not magazines. But I have read article after article online and in other magazines I’ve subscribed to.
Patience is not my virtue.
If I can’t see or feel results, even after a few days, I get frustrated. I turn back to junk and comfort foods, which I’m beginning to realize is a serious, serious crutch for me. I can’t even understand how it became as such. I didn’t think I was like that; no one ever looked at me and thought I was using food like others use drugs or alcohol… At least, no one’s ever said that out loud. I snack almost uncontrollably. If I can see it, and I like it, I’ll eat it until it’s gone. I get cranky if I have oatmeal every morning for two or three days, and then trundle myself to BK for a breakfast biscuit & hashtots.
I realize I’m hurting myself.
It might be I’m going half a step forward and two or three steps back. I eat poorly. I misuse diet shakes. I don’t stick to anything very long before I give up.
It probably sounds like I’m some overweight cow, wallowing in self-pity, but in reality I don’t appear all that overweight. They call that visceral fat, and aside from subcutaneous fat, it’s extremely hard to get rid of. I’m trying not to be self-pitying, rather, I’m quite angry at myself. Anger is a better motivator for me anyway. Just ask anyone who’s helped me move or pack/unpack anything.
I’m considering another diet plan, but I don’t want to talk about it here right now.
I’m angry that I’ve come this far to this, I’m frustrated that I can’t get results I want, and I’m upset that I may have to restrict myself so much that if I get frustrated at my lack of results I’ll break my plan and hit the junk food so hard I’ll put myself back into that up-and-down spiral I’m peering over the edge of right now.